LANDSLIDE

i refused to blog for the longest time.

it really started because school got hectic and the time to sit and write became sparse. eventually i hadn't written in so long that i felt i couldn't write here anymore.

you know,that slight embarrassment you get when you haven't visited/called a good friend or elderly grandparent in a while. that embarrassment where you feel like if you pick up the phone now they will just had wished you had never called in the first place. completely made up in your head of course, but avoiding the situation for the sake of your pride seems to justify the neglect.

the same downward spiral happened with my dear friend in sweden.

school got busy and everyone in provo seemed to need me all at once. classic case of spreading myself too thin.

finally sitting down to write him after a couple letters full of "where have you been?" and "i want to hear all about your adventures!" really put it all into perspective for me.

i want to give my heart to those that mean most to me. not to the trivial matters that i have been.

i want to give it to the things that will last.

as my mission quickly approaches, 20 days to be exact, i am putting all of my most sacred and precious memories in little spaces within my heart. 

i will carry them with me as i devote all of myself to the people of nicaragua, occasionally pulling them out for the times when i need a piece of home. a piece of clarity.

i'm so thankful for people that make me want to speak truth. they are so beautiful to me.

infinite

the other night i saw twelve shooting stars.

you know what that does to a person?

it humbles you beyond belief.

it reminds you just how artistic He is.

it triggers that part of the human soul,

the part that is inseparably connected with mother nature.

that part that becomes swollen with happiness when you finish a long hike.

it's like you have broken some planetary law and feel infinite.

i always remember this line of my favorite book:

"...where all you need is that perfect song on that perfect drive to make you feel infinite."

and it's true.

if you've been lucky enough to ride in the back of a truck on a summer night,

with the warm wind playing with you hair,

a song playing that has heartfelt sentiment

and not a care in the world in that moment,

then you know what it feels like to be infinite.

there aren't many things that can make you feel that way but this i know is true,

the simple, often overlooked things are the ones that can.

just remember, dear,

there's that part in you that gives all-knowing advice.

the knowledge and courage that you always convinced yourself you weren't worthy to have.

where it tells you to jump into that swift, cold river,

even though you are too afraid.

to run a couple more steps,

or to tell the truth,

despite your fears.

that tells you to inhale deeply and exhale slowly,

hoping that you'll learn how precious those gasps are.

you know when you breathe,

you let out a little bit of grace each time.

i want to bottle it up,

put it on the shelf over my bed.

so when visitors come in and ask what's in that empty mason jar,

i'd respond with, 

"memories. and a lot of hope."

but that would be selfish,

because everyone deserves to experience just how great those movements of your lungs are.

you touch people, 

just by breathing.

doesn't that make you feel powerful?

that advice, that thing we often dispel as insanity

is what moves you to the realization that there are so many things in this vast complexity of life,

much more captivating than social media. 

you taught me that,

i hope you remember.

because if it weren't for that innate whisper instilled within each of us,

we'd miss out on some of the most captivatingly, beautiful things:

deep breaths that fill your lungs with hot air, expand your chest and make you feel infinite,

those times where you meet a  stranger at a crosswalk who will paint your life in technicolor,

or that pull of your gastricnemus as you ascend that peak in provo,

approaching the summit, 

realizing that this,

all of it,

is so much more than any of us can compile into a sweet sonnet.

i want to be selfish,

keep that jar all to myself.

but your advice,

and that tiny voice i so often want to ignore,

has taught me better.

listen, will you?

reminder

"and God blessed the seventh day,
and sanctified it:
because that in it He had rested
from all His work
which God created and made."


i couldn't help but feel the love that He has for me today.
the sabbath is so special,
it is my wish to try and make each day as spiritual as the sabbath.
for i know that my Savior created this beautiful world for me to roam,
to take care of,
to dissect,
to question,
to photograph,
and draw,
to dance on,
and to create many miracles upon.

i sit in humble admiration of the healing powers that this day has upon faithful believers.
it's a reminder for the upcoming week,
one of love,
encouragement,
and repentance.

play me like an instrument, Father.
play songs that give you glory,
as they declare your tender mercies,
in sweet symphony.

i will not doubt, i will not fear;
God's love and strength are always near.
His promised gift helps me to find
an inner strength and peace of mind.
i give the Father willingly
my trust, my prayers, humility.
His Spirit guides; His love assures
that fear departs when faith endures.